The BEST Parts of Me

Somewhere in the middle

These past 12 months have been extreme. I have never felt the weight of life and how precious it is as much as I have in the past year. This isn't only from my own experiences the last 12 months although there have been a lot: losing my mother-in-law, hubby spending time in the hospital, a diagnosis of a heart defect in my newborn son, losing my father-in-law while waiting for life saving surgery for my son, etc, etc, etc. Just as we would catch our breath some thing else would happen. Then there are the events outside of my family. Amazingly tragic events happening to people I know or know of...
The whole experience got me thinking about the downside of middle-age. Yes this is admitting that I am there, in the middle of what should be my life expectancy. Gone are the care free days of playing, giggling and learning my ABC's. The excitement stemming from getting to be a year older and that much closer to being a big person. The walks down the hallways of high school with friends, passing notes about what you're going to wear to the football game and getting the answers for the quiz for 4th period class. The carelessness of the college campus life bubble of discovering who you are and what you want to be when you grow up.
Nothing I ever imagined as a child, teen or college kid about being a grown up is exactly true. Sure I get to eat ice cream when ever I feel like it and I don't have to listen to my mother but now that I am here I think it would be nice to just go back.
Adulthood has unimaginable highs and incredible lows. The middle of your life you get the immense pleasure of bringing new life in and such pain to see life taken away.
I now understand the mid-life crisis. The want or need to capture your youth, to hold on to the carefree days and it sounds exquisite. However due to life experience there is really no way to go back and grab a hold of it. You know too much.
So here I sit in the middle watching with doe eyes at how precarious life really is...

Cracks

Yesterday was one of those days where the weight of P's first month weighs heavy on my heart. Nothing significant occured yesterday but for some reason my mind and heart went back to the hospital, the walks down the polka dot hallway and the enormousness of it all. It is difficult to shake and sets a thought process in motion that can take a few days to rid. I tend to replay certain events in my mind but most striking is the walk going in to see my son. I am not sure why that is the event that replays in my mind, of me staring down at those gigantic blue polka dots.
Over the last several months during these heavy days, I think about the term "Heart Mom" a lot. I hate labels. I hate having this label. I don't want this label and I don't want my son to have it either. And my reasons for not wanting it really has nothing to do with not embracing his once broken heart or his rocky first month. That I can handle. When I think of the term heart mom I think of all the wonderful moms who have turned their tragedy into something positive; who have paid it forward. That is the weight I am not sure I am able to bare at this time.
A couple of months ago I was introduced to a mom who recently found out her son had a CHD. We chatted on the phone and afterward I felt exhausted and realized I wasn't in the right space to offer support, that in fact I was still grieving my own situation. I felt horrible because I don't think I was a help at all and in fact may have made this mom confused or more frightened. This was never my intent when I got the courage to speak to her. However it made me doubt my ability to one day be a true "Heart Mom".
Since the time I spoke to her the dreaded label has faded and I've realized how I wear the label will be determined by me. The definition I had in my head was incorrect. Parents who have children with CHD are Heart Parents but those among us who offer support, pay it forward and strive to give a voice to this community are Heart Warriors.
I am not a Heart Warrior yet and I am not sure if I will ever be... but I am so very thankful and appreciate of those who have the ability to be one.

6 months

Our littlest had his 6 month well visit today and he is doing great. He weighed in at 16 lbs 3 oz (25%) and was 27 1/2 inches long (75%). He is long and lean but there is no concern for the differences in the percentiles especially since the oldest 2 aren't chunky monkeys themselves.
Everything else checked out well developmentally and he appears on track.

An update of sorts

My head has been swarming with lots of thoughts over the last few months. I took time away from this blog and closed out writing on our Caring Bridge site over 2 months ago. However it wasn't because I didn't have anything to write but more that I felt I should take a break. The time I spent updating Caring Bridge (almost daily when P was in the hospital) took the wind out of my sails.
The last few months I have let my thoughts sing in my head but opted not to put it down as I was still digesting everything that went on in March and April. I have been struggling to find myself and learning how to parent three children. I will admit going from 2 to 3 was much harder than 1 to 2 (at least for me). There are few free moments if any at all.
We have been living quite a crazed sleep deprived life. We are finally pulling in the reins and working on sleep training. P isn't much of a napper but we are working on that as well as keeping him down at night (he is a snuggler...loves to get me up at 1 or 2 am to sleep next to me till morning... SO BAD). And E has been a mess since we returned from vacation in early August. He was in our room that week in NC and just received the memo this week that HE MUST STAY IN HIS BED. It has been tough but I am determined to get everyone squared away in the next few weeks.
Other than sleep, which is currently the #1 priority in my household, we are getting back into the fall routine of preschool, MDO and getting ready for Disney. The two oldest are being whisked away in mid-October to visit Mickey and the Princesses. A much needed break for them and all they have endured the past 6 months. I am truly excited to be able to take them away to the land of make believe. Our littlest won't be going with us. WOW! He will be off to my girlfriend's home being loved on by a 5 year old girl, 3 year old boy and a "Rascol" (their dog which my oldest son LOVES..he will be so jealous of his baby brother). So life is rolling forward for the kids just as it should.

Over the next few posts I will share where my head has been (outside of wishing for more sleep) but for now I am just letting you know I am back and warming up to blogging again.

Clown Night Family vacation 2010

I am so excited that in a week my family will be walking to support the American Heart Association in their annual Start! Heart Walk. We formed a great team, Patrick's Pals with family and friends. This is my last plea for you to join or donate.

New Blog

Life has a way of throwing curve balls at you. G and I got our biggest one the day after our 2nd son was born.