Things are quiet and I don't have much to say... okay that's a total lie but honestly I am not sure what to write about since there are so many things swarming in my mind. I could chat up the spring cleaning (boring but necessary), my husband's absence (frequent and old news, hey he is a pilot), my procrastination (we've been there before) or I can talk about something that makes me uncomfortable (WINNER)!
Lately I haven't been a good mom... actually I am downright ugly horrible mom. Ryleigh and I have been have been having issues with one another. My sweet pea and I aren't seeing eye to eye on a number of things and her way of dealing with me is physical (hit, slap, kick...). And my response is to YELL LOUD. The last 2 nights I have yelled so loud I feel the next sound I will hear are Children's Services knocking at my door to remove my children from my home because no parent should ever yell at their children to the point it sounds as if a physical altercation is about to happen. I am not proud. I just wish I understood where is comes from, how I can let myself get so frustrated with someone so small and unable to truly defend herself.
I admit I have my 'normal' faults as a stay-at-home person... I don't play enough with my kids, I don't attempt to engage them enough in things to keep their minds growing, I don't always listen to them.... but we all falter there from time to time but the yelling...that's a completely different ball of wax.
There is a woman I know (SHAM) who I have watched yell at her children with no regret (or at least it appears that way) when she is discipline them. The kind of yelling you're embarrassed to witness. Now, I am in control in public, at times I may raise my voice, but never do I yell with the phenom I seem to have over the course of the last couple of days. I am worried that I am losing it...my composure, my confidence and the values that I've been trying to teach my children (that clearly I am not following). I don't want to be that other person who can lash out in public or private.
My hope about being public about my missteps in my 'behind closed doors' life is what I need to straighten up my act. Here's to keeping it cool and using my indoor voice.
5 comments:
You're brave to admit it. And seriously, anyone who says they've NEVER lost patience and gone off half cocked on their kids is either lying or heavily medicated. Kids test boundaries, like velociraptors, they will run into the fences looking for a weak spot. It's OUR job as parents to keep those fences strong and try not to go bonkers while they keep trying to break us down!
It's doubly hard for you because you don't always have your other half there to hand off the kid to when you've had enough and just need to take a step outside.
Don't beat yourself up too much. You're doing the best you can and when you see something that you know you can do better, you will and you are!!
(((Hugs)))
Oh girl. This is the world's hardest job. I mean like seriously I've never been pushed and tested and worn completely out by another living being in my entire life. And to have it be one of the little people that you would literally give your breath for? That makes it super complicated.
You're a wonderful, reflective mama and your kids are so lucky to have someone who wants the very best for them. Of course you're going to lose it from time to time. We all have...anyone who says they don't? They don't have kids yet. :P Or they still have one of those easy going laid back babies. LOL Give them time...they'll be right there with the rest of us!
Hugs!
Ladies, thank you for the kind words. I must admit, I needed to hear that we all face those moments. We had a very good day yesterday and things seem to be going well today which makes me feel so much better. I kept my mind focused on the BOUNDARIES but also with the knowledge they will continue to push and push...
I agree with the ladies as well, this is the hardest job in the WORLD. I had a terrible time with discipling B when the baby came AND the move and have lost my cool many times. But we learn from it, and move on, and find new and better ways to deal with our anger. It is tough with a husband that works a lot or travels, and is truly on us most of the time. You are an AWESOME Mom, you were always and still are my role model :)
meant to comment on this.. totally know how you feel. My blood boils at times and I feel moved to tears at times cause it's so frustrating and hard but then they do something so darn cute and it subsides. You'll witness it on Friday I'm sure .. they love each other and then they aggravate each other and it ultimately aggravates me!!! I'll keep u posted on Fri .. we've had issues w/ her glasses and I may need to run to childrens if her new script comes in but it shouldn't interfer w/ our "date". Do u have a time in mind? Supposed to be nice .. swimsuits? Wasn't sure what we wanted to do / where / etc.
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