Cracks

Yesterday was one of those days where the weight of P's first month weighs heavy on my heart. Nothing significant occured yesterday but for some reason my mind and heart went back to the hospital, the walks down the polka dot hallway and the enormousness of it all. It is difficult to shake and sets a thought process in motion that can take a few days to rid. I tend to replay certain events in my mind but most striking is the walk going in to see my son. I am not sure why that is the event that replays in my mind, of me staring down at those gigantic blue polka dots.
Over the last several months during these heavy days, I think about the term "Heart Mom" a lot. I hate labels. I hate having this label. I don't want this label and I don't want my son to have it either. And my reasons for not wanting it really has nothing to do with not embracing his once broken heart or his rocky first month. That I can handle. When I think of the term heart mom I think of all the wonderful moms who have turned their tragedy into something positive; who have paid it forward. That is the weight I am not sure I am able to bare at this time.
A couple of months ago I was introduced to a mom who recently found out her son had a CHD. We chatted on the phone and afterward I felt exhausted and realized I wasn't in the right space to offer support, that in fact I was still grieving my own situation. I felt horrible because I don't think I was a help at all and in fact may have made this mom confused or more frightened. This was never my intent when I got the courage to speak to her. However it made me doubt my ability to one day be a true "Heart Mom".
Since the time I spoke to her the dreaded label has faded and I've realized how I wear the label will be determined by me. The definition I had in my head was incorrect. Parents who have children with CHD are Heart Parents but those among us who offer support, pay it forward and strive to give a voice to this community are Heart Warriors.
I am not a Heart Warrior yet and I am not sure if I will ever be... but I am so very thankful and appreciate of those who have the ability to be one.

6 months

Our littlest had his 6 month well visit today and he is doing great. He weighed in at 16 lbs 3 oz (25%) and was 27 1/2 inches long (75%). He is long and lean but there is no concern for the differences in the percentiles especially since the oldest 2 aren't chunky monkeys themselves.
Everything else checked out well developmentally and he appears on track.

An update of sorts

My head has been swarming with lots of thoughts over the last few months. I took time away from this blog and closed out writing on our Caring Bridge site over 2 months ago. However it wasn't because I didn't have anything to write but more that I felt I should take a break. The time I spent updating Caring Bridge (almost daily when P was in the hospital) took the wind out of my sails.
The last few months I have let my thoughts sing in my head but opted not to put it down as I was still digesting everything that went on in March and April. I have been struggling to find myself and learning how to parent three children. I will admit going from 2 to 3 was much harder than 1 to 2 (at least for me). There are few free moments if any at all.
We have been living quite a crazed sleep deprived life. We are finally pulling in the reins and working on sleep training. P isn't much of a napper but we are working on that as well as keeping him down at night (he is a snuggler...loves to get me up at 1 or 2 am to sleep next to me till morning... SO BAD). And E has been a mess since we returned from vacation in early August. He was in our room that week in NC and just received the memo this week that HE MUST STAY IN HIS BED. It has been tough but I am determined to get everyone squared away in the next few weeks.
Other than sleep, which is currently the #1 priority in my household, we are getting back into the fall routine of preschool, MDO and getting ready for Disney. The two oldest are being whisked away in mid-October to visit Mickey and the Princesses. A much needed break for them and all they have endured the past 6 months. I am truly excited to be able to take them away to the land of make believe. Our littlest won't be going with us. WOW! He will be off to my girlfriend's home being loved on by a 5 year old girl, 3 year old boy and a "Rascol" (their dog which my oldest son LOVES..he will be so jealous of his baby brother). So life is rolling forward for the kids just as it should.

Over the next few posts I will share where my head has been (outside of wishing for more sleep) but for now I am just letting you know I am back and warming up to blogging again.

Clown Night Family vacation 2010

I am so excited that in a week my family will be walking to support the American Heart Association in their annual Start! Heart Walk. We formed a great team, Patrick's Pals with family and friends. This is my last plea for you to join or donate.

New Blog

Life has a way of throwing curve balls at you. G and I got our biggest one the day after our 2nd son was born.

Changes

Lots of changes are starting in the Sharp Household. The biggest one has yet to make its arrival although the anticipation of finding out the gender is about killing me. I spent one evening taking an online test (with all the wives tales) to see if I could at least have an accurate guess. Came up with nothing (54% girl vs 46% a boy). I don't think those old wives could figure this one out unless they had an ultrasound.
I had my first internal earlier this week and I am sitting at 3 cm dilated. I know it doesn't mean much (I was 2 to 3 with E for weeks). My only wish is that my folks make it back in time from their trip. They should... they arrive back here on Monday.
Our first big change happened early this month with my husband sold his SUV on Craigs List in 2 hours. It was crazy and we never thought it would happen in a matter of hours. Guess we should have asked for more money. That said, we started the process to purchase a minivan. We waited the entire month till my color choice finally arrived. I was getting a little freaked but it happened. As of today I am a minivan driving mom. What an adjustment.
Kids are doing well. Ry is loving preschool and asks everyday if she gets to go (even weekends). If a 7 day a week program existed she would be signed up. E has had more exciting changes. We moved him into a big boy bed at the end of January in his sister's room. The first few weeks were a bit difficult with the nap but he has adjusted (as we all have adjusted to making it quiet so he doesn't think he is missing something). Ry has been a great big sister in the whole matter and due to her brother's arrival in her room she has been sleeping in her bed every night. That has been a huge blessing as I was getting a bit tired of sharing my bed as my belly was expanding. I am a woman who needs space and a snoring 4 year old who doesn't roll over to stop was infringing on my space. I know there will come a point when I look back on her need to sleep with her mama and will miss it. Just not while I am 9 months pregnant!!
The end of this month has been eventful. If you follow on FB you know exactly what I am talking about... hubby is doing a bit better (at least he isn't in the hospital) but he is still having some health issues that remain unanswered. We are just taking it one day at a time and hoping it is all infection related.
I am excited for March to come. My folks return, my baby boy turns 2 and we will have a new addition. All good things.

Cupids

Here are my two cupids who filled my cup of love today while their daddy was flying back to the states from a 2 day stay in Bermuda!